没有什么大问题,就是后面so that表达“因此,所以”的时候,最好用逗号隔开,否则句子有点长.另外,有些表达可以更英语一些,
一个是不需要用那么多would来表示假设和委婉的语气.另外人称要统一,不要在开头讨论的是everyone（第三人称）后面又用you（第二人称）这是中英文不同的地方
Here is my version, just for reference:
Everyone will face countless choices throught his life, and every decision will greatly influence on the entire lifetime. Thus, the trail of one's life depends on the decisions he makes at every crossroads. Different choice, different destiny.
Hope it helps =]不过what kind of life you have is dependent on what kind of choice you would make.这句话对吗？ you would make 与 you have make哪个比较好呢？（Different choice, different destiny已经用过一次啦，不能用第二次所以要换个写法）用you make就可以了，书面语中很少用到would。而have 后面应该是用过去分词 make。
这句话是正确的，但是用动词词组depends on 比形容词词组更高级一点。