不知道你是几年级的学生,错误有一些,只是个人意见：
1 John Milton说的话完全看不明白是什么意思,如果这句话很出名,希望你能查到原句,否则的话就不写.在英语写作中最忌讳的就是翻译名人名言,因为经过英译汉和汉译英的二次翻译,所以会闹出很多笑话.
2 I love adventure books because I'd like to meet new challenges.
3 I love detective and mystery books because I want to learn how to solve problems.
4 If I have pocket money（零花钱）,I will save it to buy my favorate books.
5 That is me!Book is very important in my life.
6 Boys and girls,please love books because they bring us knowledge and make us smart.
Thankyou!Bye!
不知道你的这段话是不是要在课堂上说,如果是这样还不错,如果是要写作文,一定要注意尽量少用“I ...”这样的句式.