感动可以用moved来讲.
你这个句子里when 后面引导的是个状语,如果要保留hearing的话,应该说成Hearing his story,many people were deeply moved.
不过你的这个句子其实是可以说得通的,可以理解为许多人一听到他的故事就很感动.但是通常不这么说,通常的说法是Many people were deeply moved when heared his story.意思是许多人听到他的故事后非常感动.