100分! 帮忙看下雅思作文有几分啊 语法思路结构用词方面的给些建议 谢谢 （满意后追加20）
IELTS题目:In some countries the average weight of people is increasing andtheir levels of health and fitness are decreasing.What do you think are the cause of theseproblems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples fromyour own knowledge or experience.
文章：
Nowadays, many people in some countries witness the increase of average weight which cause the fall of their health levels. Therefore, it is significant for those people to find some effective solutions.There are several reasons for this challengingsituation. This essay will summarise some potential causes and put forward possible solutions.
There are three main potential reasons forit. Firstly, modern lifestyle such as eating too much junk food increase people’sfat. Secondly, many people prefer sitting in the office and facing computers all day without enough outdoor activities, causing negative on their health andweight control. Finally, many people are not willing to go to hospital when facing some health problems like getting fever because they think it is inconvenient and troublesome.
As far as I am concerned, some effective actions could be taken. It is a good choice to eat more vegetables and fruits which keeps balanced diet. Take my mother for example: she had lost twenty kilograms after having balanced diet. Moreover,taking more sports is helpful for losing weight. For instance,after my father deciding to ride bicycle every morning, he had lose some weight and his body condition improved a lot. Another good suggestion is that go to hospital regularly to check your body condition. An example from my grandfather that because he kept checking their body condition every month, it is lucky for him to find cancer in time and made successful action to remove it. So checking your body condition regularly cannot be ignored.
This essay explains some reasons and points out some good solutions to reduce weight and improve health. Although those suggestions are efficient, the most important is to persist until succeed.
能不能详细说说呢