Shenzhen is a big city.There are about 13 million people living in Shenzhen.There are also many cars,buses,taxis.So there are a lot of traffic jams in Shenzhen,although Shenzhen is famous for its high-tech product and it is advancement.The life in Shenzhen isn`t better than the life in valliges.Becausethe traffic makes the air dirty.The air in village is much fresher than it in Shenzhen.But living in Shenzhen is pleasant too.There are many places of interest in Shenzhen,such as Happy Valley and the Window of the World and so on.And there are lots of good schools in Shenzhen such as Shenzhen Experimental School,.Forieagn Language School and Shenzhen Middle School.
I live in Shenzhen happily.But I have some suggestions.We can go to school and go to work by bus or underground and plant more trees.You should only bear one baby in Shenzhen.I think Shenzhen will become more and more beautiful.
我只给了你改了语法错误,没改逻辑上的问题,因为暂时还不需要呢.
请仔细阅读修改后的文字,对照自己的文章
你需要丰富自己的句式,减少there be句型的使用
同时减少such as的使用,可以用like,for instance,take sth as an example代替 .
这样将会更好