跪求高手帮我的雅思作文点评打分,重点是打分
这是我第一次写作文,囧.
题目是老题：In some countries young people are engouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the advantage and disadvantages for young people to do this.
作文：
Whether young people should work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies is an issue that arouses controversy.I will compare and contrast two typical opinions regarding this issue.
There are reasons for some people to believe that young adults should get work or travel before starting university studies.To begin with,young adults could acquire knowledge or skills through traveling or working,which enrich their social or proffessional experience.Surely,in terms of working,they accumulate more work experience at an early age and greatly deal with interpesonal skills,relatively peers of accepting university studies after finishing high school.Moreover,travelling or working should be based on partly that young people get socially and economically independent.Consequently,young people could raise their awareness of responsibility by working.Finally,to travel or work,it is imperative that young people expand their outlook.For instance,travelling could relax their bodies and ease their minds.Besides,young people promote the cultural communication and interation.
On the other hand,some others would disagree.This is due to the fact that some young adults feel unmotivated about their future stduies.Thus,they may get a clear perspective of future life,especially about money when they go about work in holiday for a year.However,mostly young people are unclear regarding future.And in the present,a graduation certificate is increasingly important(e.g.apply for a job).
To conclude,regarding this issue,my own view is young people should work or travel,which expand their outlook between finishing high school and starting university studies for a year.[有269字,主要是帮我看语法,自学的这是.]