A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸.另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话.接线员沉着地说：“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡.”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办?”
Cat and Mice
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What's in your box?" asked the friend.
"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友,她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子.“盒子里装的是什么?”朋友问道.“一只小猫,”布朗夫人回答说,“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠,我非常害怕.这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠.”“可老鼠都是假想的呀.”朋友说.“小猫也是假想的.”布朗夫人小声说道.
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist:What's your problem?
Patient:Ithink I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
精神病医师：你哪里不舒服?
病人：我认为我是一只鸡.
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的?
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始.
我要表现得象位女士

I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.
"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
我要表现得象位女士
一天,远东百货公司的女装大减价,一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件.可是,没过多久,他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄.
他竭力忍耐着.后来,他低下头,挥动双臂,挤过人群.
“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道,“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗?”
“听着,”他说,“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时.从现在起,我要表现得象个女士.”
The Broom Seller and the Barber
A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
"Two pence," said the man.
"No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
"A penny." said the barber.
"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."
卖扫帚的人和理发师
一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.
卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"
"不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."
卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.
卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上."
Want a Day Off 想请一天假

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office."Boss,"he says, " We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith"the boss replies. " I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "Iknew I could count on you!"

一天,史密斯去见他的客户部领导,“老板”,斯密斯说,“我们家明天要大搞清洁,我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库,搬搬挪挪什么的.”“斯密斯啊,你也知道,我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说,“明天的假我是没法给你批了”.“多谢老板,” Smith说,“我就知道跟着您干准没错”.

I Lost 我输了


It was at a five o’clock tea． A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness．
“So good of you to come, Mr．Jones,and where is your brother?”
“You see we're very busy in the office and only one of us could come,so we tossed up for it．”
“How nice!And so original, too! And you won?”
“No,” said the young man absently,“I lost．”

五点钟,下午茶的时间,一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉.
“您能来可真好,琼斯先生,您的兄弟在哪儿呢?”
“您知道我们在办公室里有非常忙,我们俩只能来一个,所以就掷币来决定由谁来.”
“太有意思了!还那么有独创性!那您赢了?”
“不,”年轻人心不在焉地说,“我输了.”

我很辛苦才找来的!