我的版本：
When I was young, I loved reading, especially detective stories such as "Sherlock Holmes", "Hardy Boys" and "Nancy Drew", and I wanted to be a private detective when I grow up. However, it was not to be as I found out that private detectives in reality are not what I expected. When I entered university, I majored in my second passion - chemistry. It was a meaningful course, but I did not plan on giving up on my dream so soon. Recently there is a new course - forensic science - offered in a few selected universities, it is about how science can help in matters of the law. I've talked to my parents about this course and they encouraged me to further my studies in forensic science when I graduated. I hope in the future I can be a successful forensic scientist, working in areas both related to my two passions - crime and chemistry.

你的版本：
I have always wanted to be a successful businessman since young, because I can earn a lot of money and there are lots of things I plan to do with the money. However I grew up to understand that it wasn't as easy as I originally thought, with the increased number of businessman, comes greater competition. As a fresh graduate with no experience, I had nothing to compete with them. One day, I finally talked about my insecurities with my father, and being the loving parent that he is, told me that as long as I put in my best, he will be proud of me. After the talk, I picked myself up and studied hard. I know I shall soon begin my life as a businessman after graduating, and I have decided that I will never let my father down.
你的版本我比较不能融入,但应该可以.你选吧