有些用法不地道 比如these people who think that universities should accept equal numbers of boys and girls in every subject are too emphasis the rights of girls.-->应该改成these people who think that universities should enroll equal numbers of boys and girls in every subject over-emphasize the rights of girls emphasis是名词 emphasize才是动词
再比如要是我写最后一段就会写成:
According to reasons given above, I hold the perspective that universities should accept different number of male and female in various subjects, for the reason that(=because,还可以用after all) from both physical and mental aspects, male and female play different roles.注意体会修改之后的细微差别,就是你应该注意的地方 比如because引导的句子一定不能缺少主句,而你的就是缺少主句了...
通篇语法上也还有点问题,多做同义词替换,再努力一下能得六分
雅思作文不考思想深度 个人意见 仅供参考 加油~